There's Nae Germs Aboot the Hoose

October days were snell and clear
When Masons, great and sma',
The new infirmary to found
Filled our Masonic Ha'.
But there's nae use for ony new
Infirmary ava',
Might not the old house yet hae dune
Wi' a' the germs awa'?

CHORUS:  For, noo they've carbolised the house,
         There's nae germs ava',
         An' nae corruptions in the house
         Wi a' the germs awa'.

Man's been by vermin fashed for lang,
Baith puzhonous an' sma',
A flea or a pediculus
Is kent to ane and a'.
But twasna till the ither day,
The deadliest by far
Was grippit gaun tae fyle the pus
O' ilka open scar.

There's Tyndall says o' licht the rays
Are naething mair ava'
Than coruscations frae the hides
O' siccan craturs sma'.
The atmosphere's sae fu' o' them
That gin ye gie a blaw,
The licht an' animalcules baith
Are whiskit clean awa'.

What signifies a change o' site,
Or drainage o' the lands?
What for suld architects gang gyte
Wi' their pavilion plans?
It's no the place, but just the air,
Whilk, fu' o' deadly spores,
Blaws into every wound an' sair
Sic nasty beasts by scores.

But ilka bruise an' wound an' sair
Wi' antiseptic skill
Oor surgeons noo can easy cure
Whaur ance they used to kill.
Still better, they can stitch an' sew
Wi' kippered ligatures -
The system takes them up an sae
This feeds as weel as cures.

In time gane by there's nae a wife
Was ever in the straw
But warstled for her very life
Amang sic atoms sma'.
They creepit but an' creepit ben,
An' frae their cankerin' power
There's not a place ye could defend
Conspicuous or obscure.

But houdies noo wull be to blame
When mithers slip awa'
Gin they've no clarified the frame
Wi' carbolised aqua.
Sae wad ye sing wi proper birr
A theme o' modern days,
Let antiseptics an' their power
Claim a' yer notes o' praise.

• Tune gif midi mov

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Copyright © 2001, Jack Campin